It’s been 4 months since we said goodbye to my Gizmo bear. There’s been a lot of progress in adjusting to our new normal without him and a few notable events in that time.
November 9: Gizmo’s dog bed is still in my office. Apart from that, everything of his has been put away. I kept some things in a box in the attic since we do expect to have a dog again someday. I gave some toys and treats away to friends. My friend Rachel decided to adopt he foster dog, Piper, so a lot of things went to her when I went to visit today. She’s even using the extra rugs and ex-pen since Piper had knee surgery. On one hand it’s really nice to see another dog benefiting so much from the things Gizmo no longer needs.. Seeing a few of Gizmo’s toys again with a different dog on the other end did really make me miss him though. Piper gave me stink face at one point and I just started laughing uncontrollably. Gizmo gave me that face all the time. I also went through a lot of pictures today. There were a lot of great memories that made me smile. Realizing that there is a last picture of Gizmo made me really sad though. Most days now life goes on and I’m used to the fact that he’s not here, but every once in a while, I stop to think about it and I cry. Being around other dogs is both therapeutic and a reminder of what I no longer have. Last week I got Gizmo’s paw tattooed on me. Rachel told me she’s shared this blog with some folks, and everyone who reads it is surprised by how happy he appears in his pictures with everything he’s been through. She told me I’m the best dog mom ever. it’s nice to hear it still and to know I have friends that still think of him and talk about him. And I don’t mind that some of this makes me a little sad. Being sad over this loss is a good thing. It seems like it would be wrong to not be sad. As much time as I had to come to terms with letting him go, he’s not that easy to move on from. He was a huge part of my life. I’m not crying every day or even every week, but once in a while seems right. I had to send an intro to my new team at work, and I’d always introduced myself with a picture that included Gizmo. This was the first time I gave an intro with him absent and that was a hard moment. They come like this from time to time.
December 2: Gizmo would have been 8 today. Seeing the memories pop up of all his past birthdays on various media pages made me smile. I actually handled it really well until later in the evening when I sat down with nothing to do and started looking through photos. It was the everyday photos that got me. The moments like him laying down next to the couch and sticking his head up to demand attention. The photos that weren’t perfect and post-worthy. Those really got me missing him and made me sad. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Some photos made me smile; others made me cry.
December 3: I finally put his dog bed away. It was the one thing I couldn’t bear to move for so the past 3 months. I got a new desk and completely redid my office. Completely changing the scenery was the only way I could let it go and still go in there to work.
December 20: I’d been waffling a bit on whether I wanted to dogsit over the holidays or not. As we were preparing to say goodbye to Gizmo I thought I would foster and sit to have a dog fill the gap. Today I realized I don’t really want that yet. I’d take Gizmo back in a heartbeat, but if I can’t have him then I might as well enjoy my freedom. I have actually started to enjoy filling my hours with things other than dog care lately.
December 26: I finally called Trupanion to cancel his pet insurance. Months later and it still wasn’t an easy thing to do. I started tearing up on the phone as I told her we no longer needed coverage. I wish I could’ve just done it online, but the phone call wasn’t all that bad. It was quick, and they backdated it and issued a refund for what I’d paid these last couple of months. They understand that people may not want to make that phone call right away. I also updated his Berner-Garde entry and petlink microchip record.
January 2: I went through some photos of Gizmo. Some made me smile and laugh. Others had me tearing up and feeling sad. I’s unpredictable which way a photo will go. But I finally pulled the photos and notes together to finish his blog.
January 3: This will be my last blog entry. It’s been 4 months. Most days I’m good and we’ve adjusted to our new normal. Sometimes the memories will make us smile and I appreciate the fact that Gizmo led a full life for a Bernese Mountain Dog and was incredible happy. He brought tons of joy into my life and if I could go back in time and choose a different pup, I wouldn’t. He was without a doubt my heart and soul dog. Sometimes the loss still makes me cry, and I expect that’s going to take a long time to end. I’m okay with that. Those moments feel like proof of how much I loved him. Time does heal and the time span between those moments grows little by little.
Thank you for following our journey!