Things turned around and we had a good day on the 26th. Gizmo was in a great mood, walking around on his own, was excited to go for a walk in the cart, and ate well. He always seems to rally just as we’re coming to terms with our decision as if he’s saying don’t give up. But we know better and aren’t going to change our minds. We want his last days to be good, and even good days still mean he’s pushing through pain so it doesn’t mean we should change course. It’s selfish to extend when the good days come with a big asterisk. Though this day he even did a fast-faced trot to come throw himself on us for cuddles reminiscent of the way he used to. Gizmo let me know he wanted to go up on the bed, so I ended up working on my phone for a bit instead of going into my office because I didn’t have the heart to tell him no or leave him. Every day counts at this point and he gets whatever he wants. Even though it was a Monday and I had a lot to do, I put it aside and cuddled with him until we fell asleep and took a nap. I could catch up on the work later in the evening. I didn’t call Lap of Love to make an appointment since I know that as soon as I do I’ll be upset and I won’t do anything for the rest of the day, and I am trying to keep up at work the best I can right now.
We had to call the 27th a bad day. Even though he was in a good mood and ate well, we both had a lot of work to do and Gizmo didn’t seem in the mood to go out so we didn’t take him out for a walk. He mostly laid around this day. He had gotten used to the idea of sleeping on the bed and made it quite clear that he wanted up when it was bedtime. If he wants to spend his last weeks sleeping on the bed, I’m all too happy to oblige. Colin can squeeze in or sleep on the couch, depending on whether Gizmo leaves him any room. Baby bear gets what baby bear wants. All rules for the dog have been thrown out the window. Again, I didn’t call Lap of Love for scheduling since I had so much work to do and I know my day will be ruined once I make that call. I told myself I’ll make the call over the weekend. We’ve decided on mid-September so there’s still a few weeks left; no need to rush in making the phone call today.
Gizmo not only happily ate his breakfast on the 28th, but he ate two because Colin and I failed to communicate and ended up both feeding him & giving him his meds. Luckily, he’s fine on the ones we doubled up on and we could just skip his second midday doses. I took him out to put him in the car to go to physical therapy and he took off hobbling down the back alley even without his cart. He just kept going, and I felt terrible having to force him to turn around and go back to the car. It seemed like he was ready to make his way all the way to the park! I guess the extra meds had him feeling good. He did great in his physical therapy, too, and they kept the same pace as last week’s increase. The fact that he isn’t nauseous and is happily eating his new food probably also contribute to his overall feeling better these past few days. It was a good day, but I had a hard reality check hit me this day. His physical therapist let me know we’ve used up all the sessions from the package I bought. Normally, I would buy another package. I had to decide to just pay week to week now since I don’t know exactly how many weeks we have left, but I know it’s not enough to justify purchasing a full package. It was the first real decision I had to make that meant the end really is near. It’s getting real.
It really is getting real. We haven’t had a good night’s sleep in almost two weeks now. Colin and I are getting worn down and a little irritable. Gizmo is obviously uncomfortable though still a happy boy. He’s going to be a happy cuddle monster up to the very end I expect. Gizmo struggles to stand on his own when he goes to the bathroom and sometimes pees on his legs, and we haven’t been able to give him a proper bath in months – just what we can get hosing him off while he lays down in the backyard. We wash his harness every couple of days, but it holds odors no matter what we wash it in. Our house smells awful and we don’t want to invite people over. Quality of life is degrading a bit for all of us lately, but I’ll still absolutely choose to snuggle up with my smelly cuddle bug any day.
The 29th was a good day. Gizmo wasn’t too sore the day after therapy. He was happy to go out in the back alley for a little walk. He even got to play a bit with Finn, our neighbor’s dog, and bark at the neighbors for daring to talk to his mom instead of cuddling him. He got himself up to go to his water bowl on his own a few times throughout the day as well. I feel speeding up the treadmill the past couple of weeks was a good call. He does seem to be a little bit stronger.
His signature move: the cuddle punch
“Cuddle me more!”
