We’ve had a few good days. Gizmo has been in a good mood and his usual cuddle-demanding self. He’s eating well and going to the bathroom normally. He’s even been open to going for short walks, though we can’t go far because he’s limping badly. We have to keep him moving though. The cancer is in remission, but if he can’t walk he won’t have much quality of life. As we were hanging out in the back alley, some neighbors walked by and commented that it looks like he’s still having good days. Sometimes that feels true. But later I broke down crying while we were out to eat. It feels like we take a step forward and I get hopeful, but we end up with another setback that leaves me questioning whether I’m doing the right thing for him. He seems happy. Not as consistently happy as he used to be but he still finds plenty to enjoy each day. he’s powering through his pain like usual, but I know he’s in pain and we’re running out of options to manage it. He doesn’t walk on his own; we have to support him a lot with his harness when he goes out to potty and rely on the cart for when we can’t hold him up long enough. He doesn’t come into my office to lay by me while I work any more. I don’t know if I can keep putting him through this, but he doesn’t seem to want to stop. Maybe it’s just a rough spot and we’ll get through this. I can’t know. I don’t feel like we’re going to get another year. Even with his cancer in remission, his body is shutting down in more ways than one. It’s heartbreaking watching him decline and struggle to walk at all, and constantly questioning whether I’m doing the right thing is exhausting. I know I’ll hurt in a whole new way once he’s gone though. I’m grateful for Colin and not having to face this alone. Gizmo is my baby, but has very much become our dog and I know Colin is also going to hurt when the time comes.
I started researching at-home euthanasia options in the area. I know that most people end up wishing they’d let go sooner and not let their dog suffer as much, and I will need time to make this decision. I don’t want to be scrambling when things turn really bad. Gizmo gets really anxious in hospital rooms. If I took him to the vet, he would be miserable while I was taking my time saying goodbye. That’s not how I want his final moments to be.